Cinderella (1950) had a lot riding on it. Walt Disney’s feature film output for most of the later forties consisted primarily of a bunch of package films, made up of shorts that were either considered not meaty enough to support a full-length, or were too expensive in the wake of the financial disasters Disney suffered due to World War II. Cinderella would be their first full-length animated feature since 1942’s Bambi, and rumor was that if it were a flop, the studio would fold. You probably know how that went.

Synopsis: You know this one, right? I’ve done a bunch of really obscure Disney flicks by now that could have really used a synopsis before I started, but I didn’t think of doing one until now, on the story that everyone and their godmother knows. Anyway, here’s the gist of it – Cinderella’s mom croaked and her dad remarried a mean old lady with two mean ugly daughters. When dad dies, Stepmom stops pretending to be nice and she and her kids turn Cinderella into a servant in her own home. One night, a ball is held at the palace and all eligible maidens in the kingdom are commanded to attend. Cinderella is prevented from going by the Steps, but with the help of her Fairy Godmother she gets magically dolled up and makes it to the dance on time. She and Prince Charming hit it off and dance all night, but at the stroke of midnight the spell is broken and Cinderella has to hightail it out  of there, accidentally leaving a glass slipper behind. The Grand Duke sets off in search of the maiden who fits the slipper – surprise, it’s Cinderella! Happily ever after, yadda yadda yadda.

1. The opening theme croons, “Cinderella, you’re as lovely as your name.” Is it really all that lovely a name, though? Just adding “-ella” to the word cinder? You could add “-ella” to anything and it would sound lovely. Dirtella. Bloodella. Crapella. Vomitella. Oh, Vomitella, you’re as lovely as your name!
2. Cinderella’s dad is kind of hot. He could have done way, way better on his second marriage. The Wicked Stepmother looks like John Kerry.
3. Like all pretty, kind-hearted girls, Cinderella can talk to animals. Because why not? Although I think I prefer a reading of this movie where Cindy’s been driven completely insane by her years of isolation and abuse. The mice! The mice made my dress! By the way, did you know that birds can’t control when they poop? If you’ve ever owned a pet bird, you know how utterly disgusting Cinderella’s room should be with all those birds flying around getting into everything. Frankly, mice aren’t too picky about where they drop their bombs either. Forget about sewing them all those cute little jackets and hats, Cinderella – make them some diapers before you get histoplasmosis. (Look it up!)
4. Stepmother’s room is AMAZING! So purple. Such luxury. Wow. Stepmother’s cat’s name is Lucifer, because the mice are good so the cat has to be evil. Subtlety! Bruno the dog was dreaming of murdering Lucifer and then laughed in his face when Cinderella couldn’t think of a single redeeming quality the cat had.  I kind of feel like any actions Lucifer takes from here on out are justified. I know you’re oppressed, Cinderella, but don’t punch down. And I’m jumping ahead a bit, but while we’re on the subject – Lucifer falls to his death at the end of this movie. I know he’s trying to keep Cinderella from getting out of the locked room and meeting her destiny and all, but he is chased out of a window by the dog and plummets several stories to the cobblestones below. They killed a cat. Everyone’s just okay with this?
5. I don’t think Drizella’s rendition of “Oh, Sing Sweet Nightingale” is that bad, honestly. I heard worse in summer stock.
6. If, by royal command, every eligible maiden in the kingdom must attend the ball, shouldn’t there be a whole bunch of servants there? Not to mention farm girls, tavern wenches…prostitutes… How wide a net are we casting, exactly?
7. I hope Cinderella is just being polite to the birds and mice out of a desire not to hurt their feelings, because that dress they made for her is fucking hideous. It’s a giant novelty birthday-present bow, Mardi Gras beads, and pool noodle shoulder pads draped over a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. The Steps did her a favor when they tore it apart.
8. The Fairy Godmother scene is the best thing ever. “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” is in heavy rotation on my main playlist, and I’m not the slightest bit ashamed of that. Also, the horse-coachman is way hotter than Prince Charming. Just saying. I would have made better use of those couple of hours before midnight. If this pumpkin’s a-rocking…
9. The Prince is gay, right? It’s not just me? The whole reason the King throws the ball is because his son has never shown any interest in women, always preferring to go off hunting (with the boys). Charming yawns in the faces of every single eligible girl in the kingdom, only showing interest in the one woman who doesn’t want anything to do with him – she doesn’t get in the receiving line with all the other eager beavers, and by midnight she’s already making up an obvious lie to get out of spending more time with him. He knows he’s got to marry somebody, so it might as well be the one woman who probably won’t push for icky sex stuff. Oh! And the whole glass slipper, hunt-through-the-kingdom-for-his-one-true-love thing? All the King’s idea. Charming doesn’t even go, the Grand Duke conducts the search without him. And we only have the Grand Duke’s word that Prince Bland is pining away – we never see it – and the Duke’s been ordered to get the Prince married under threat of death, so he’s pretty motivated to tell King Dad whatever he wants to hear. Also, the Prince is an excellent dancer. And he doesn’t have a single line on his face. Botox! Case closed. I find the defendant gayer than the Country Bear Jamboree.
10. In the original tale, the Stepsisters aren’t ugly. Making them hideous might get a cheap laugh, but it’s a pretty terrible message for Disney to send. Unattractive girls are bullies, and they deserve to be alone and unhappy. Poor, abused beautiful girls! Just keep being pretty and you’ll get your happy ending! Once everyone sees how lovely you are, you’ll marry the prince and you’ll be popular and the rightful order of things will be restored. Oh, also, the boy mice all have different appearances and personalities, but the girl mice are identical except for the colors of their dresses. Okay, I’ll stop with the social commentary. Wait, one more. If Cinderella looked like her Stepsisters, would anybody give a shit? Although, even if she started out that way, the Fairy Godmother would give her magic plastic surgery or something. There’s no way this story gets told where Cinderella isn’t conventionally beautiful at the end, and rewarded for it. All right, that’s enough of that. There’s a lot of messed-up stuff to unpack in this movie, but of course none of it takes away from the fact that Cinderella is fantastic. Sure, Cinderella has no agency whatsoever…crap, I’m doing it again. It’s gorgeous, it’s funny, it’s clever, the songs are beautiful, and even if none of that were true, the brief scene with the Fairy Godmother would be worth everything else. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!