I’ve received so much good advice over the course of my writing career. Now that I’ve got an entire book out, I thought it was only right to give back to others who might be thinking about taking up writing themselves. Here’s some advice, from me to you. You’re welcome.
- Don’t write what you know. Your life is boring and nobody wants to hear about it. If exciting things happened to you you wouldn’t be a writer.
- If you get stuck halfway through your book, just write, “And then they found a time machine!” and repeat the first half.
- Introduce a dog and then kill it off. People freak out when you do that.
- Remember that life is rarely straightforward. People have rich inner lives and complex motivations. Simplify that shit or you’ll never finish.
- Readers love sequels. If you’ve written a poorly-selling second book and it isn’t a sequel, re-introduce the main character from your first book. Just add a sentence at the top, something like, “Joe from that other book of mine you liked said,” and then put everything else in quotation marks.
- Remember, everyone judges a book by its cover! So maybe change out of those gross sweatpants. Take a shower once in a while and do something with your hair. Jesus.
- Keep up with the latest trends if you want a best-seller. For example, dinosaur erotica is very hot right now. All the biggies have been done -T Rex, velociraptors, and such – but what about anchiornis? Anchiornis was a small, feathered dinosaur with long legs which resembled a chicken and was probably a total slut.
- Seek expert advice! If your characters are in the military, talk to some soldiers for guidance on equipment and terminology. Writing sci-fi? Get a scientist’s take on your main concept. Romance? Poll your billionaire friends about what they look for in a schlumpy middle-class secretary. Western? Find a cowboy. Fantasy? Talk to an elf. Fan-fiction? Ask the My Little Ponies what kind of sick stuff they’re into.
- If you get a single bad review, give up. People are mean and it isn’t worth the tears, trust me. Have you tried singing? Maybe you could take up singing.
- If your book has two brown covers, is warm, and tastes good when covered in butter or jam, you haven’t written a book, you’ve made toast. You can probably still self-publish it on Amazon, though.
