I’m a comic book fan. A big comic book fan. A life-long comic book fan. Richie Rich, Archie and the Justice League taught me to read. I think it’s safe to say that my writing – no, scratch that. I think it’s safe to say that my world view has been significantly shaped by comics.
Don’t worry, I’m not about to get all serious. I just want to establish my deep love of the medium before I start making fun of it.
If you read comics in the seventies or eighties, you may remember that the most powerful weapon heroes had at their disposal was not their great strength, their nifty gadgets, or even their pure hearts. It was their supply of Hostess snack products. A series of advertisements running in just about every title featured DC and Marvel superheroes using Twinkies, Cupcakes and Fruit Pies to defeat their nemeses. These one-page comics were written and drawn by the regular artists of the main series, so to a kid like me, there wasn’t much difference between Superman beating Lex Luthor with a punch or with a processed chemical snack. It was all canon. Batman has Twinkies in his utility belt? Sure! Why wouldn’t he? I sure would, if I had one.
Some of the bad guys in these strips were the normal arch-villains the heroes would face in their own comics every month, but some were original to the advertisements. Let’s take a look at one such match and relive the glory days of comic/snack synergy with this gem, which probably ran in a bunch of comics but which I found in The Invaders #25, cover dated February, 1978. (These Hostess ads were uncredited – some sources I’ve found give the writer as Marv Wolfman and the penciller as either John Buscema, Sal Buscema, or Bob Brown.)
Thor in “The Ding-A-Ling Family”
I thought Ding-A-Lings were a Drake’s product…
Don’t hurt your eyes by trying to read that – an excruciatingly detailed panel-by-panel analysis follows…
Yeeeeeeee-haw!
Damn, those are some brave hillbillies. They’re not just taking on Thor, they’re ready to take on all the gods of Asgard. They’re pretty hard to faze, too – they’ve arrived there “by some mysterious quirk of space and time warp” (whatever the hell that means), so presumably they did not expect to suddenly find their trailer floating in a cosmic void next to a viking ship filled with gods. (I’m surprised their trailer is space-worthy, being made of plywood and tinker toys.) But rather than huddling in a corner, weeping and soiling themselves, they hurl themselves out into the vacuum of space, ready to take on all comers. (Or maybe they did soil themselves – I have no idea what that glowing brown blob floating between the ship and the trailer is. Did the Asgardians just empty their divine privy? Is god poop radioactive?)
In case you need a scorecard, Thor’s the hot blond (just like in the movies). The woman is Sif, his occasional girlfriend. The guy with the beard is Volstagg, although whoever miscolored his beard seems to think he’s Odin. Volstagg isn’t a real Norse god, by the way. Well, none of them are real, but he’s even less real because he doesn’t come from mythology, Marvel Comics made him up. He’s fat – that’s pretty much his whole shtick – so I guess he’s the go-to Warrior Three if you’re booking a Hostess ad. I’m not sure who the guy with the hat is – at first I thought it was Heimdall, but Heimdall’s hat is pointier. So some generic Norse god. He was probably pretty excited to be given a line in this story, even if it lacks the dramatic oomph of the other gods’ dialogue. “…and then some.” I guess it’s slightly better than “Yeah!” or “Ditto!” or “You go, Volstagg!”
I’m not entirely sure why the gods are flying a wooden viking ship in “Thor’s Asgardian orbit.” I’m not entirely sure where “Thor’s Asgardian orbit” is, for that matter, but wherever they are, I think it’s safe to say they did not expect to be attacked by the cast of “Hee-Haw.”
Good night, John-Boy.
And the redneck stereotypes keep on coming, by cracky. Grandma Ding-A-Ling, who I think might actually be Spider-Man’s Aunt May on vacation with her secret second family, seems to be the brains of the outfit – presumably less inbreeding in the older generations. Besides her we’ve got Pa, Ma, Auntie, Sister, Brother, and Cousins Bee and Bye – so who’s the guy with the gun? Uncle? Grandpa? Uncle Grandpa? I guess when you’ve got an atomic shotgun (available now at Wal-Mart), you can be whoever the hell you want. And since we’re indulging every cliche short of dueling banjos, I suppose he could be referring to the same person more than once… He might want to get a better bead with that shotgun, though, because right now he’s lining up Sister for a faceful of atomic buckshot.
In any event, if a family like that is holding you down and they plan to “hornswaggle” you, things are looking bad. Squeeeeeeeeeeal like a pig, Thor!
Eat hammer, bitch!
It would appear that Thor has just smashed Sister Ding-A-Ling in the face with his hammer. Verily, Thor dost not fucketh around.
Bee and Bye Ding-A-Ling have a “cousin-power secret weapon.” If it’s the power to cling to muscular blonds with big hammers, then I have that power too.
Get it? Bye and bye? Bee and Bye? See what I did there?
Luckily Sif also has a secret weapon – her ears, and she heard Bee and Bye describe exactly how to beat them. So…the Norse gods keep Hostess Fruit Pies in stock on their magic space viking ship? Okay, if I can buy the atomic shotgun, I guess I can buy that. But why did Sif take the time to unwrap all the Fruit Pies and arrange them neatly on a tray? This isn’t Top Chef, there are no points for presentation.
Does Bye pronounce the little “restricted trademark” symbol? Bee and Bye call each other “cousin,” even though they seem to be identical twins. Ah, well – it’s not like the gods can throw stones about the whole inbreeding thing.
The fruit pies aren’t the only things making my mouth water, Bee baby.
Aunt May is PISSED! Volstagg and Sif are so excited, they speak in unison. And is it me, or are Bee and Bye kind of hot in this panel? Look at those arms! (Oh…it’s just me?)
So a happy ending for everybody. Except for all the Ding-A-Lings Thor killed with his hammer two panels ago. And the generic god from the beginning, who I guess was ding-a-linged off-panel.
And that was the last anyone heard of the Ding-A-Ling Family…until now! Yes, the Ding-A-Lings made their triumphant, unequivocally canonical return in the pages of Dan Slott’s and Mike Allred’s Silver Surfer #7 (November 2014). Dare we look? We so dare!
You have no idea how excited I was when I saw this.
The Surfer is exploring the universe with his human companion Dawn Greenwood. That’s her in the ladybug print dress, about to get forcibly hitched to Pa. The Ding-A-Lings have upgraded their trailer over the past few decades, and now it’s a proper space-worthy vehicle, cracked windows notwithstanding. And…oh my goodness…be still my heart. Bee and Bye have two more cousins just like them. And one of them is blond! Look at the size of their feet! I…I need to sit down… Just read it yourself until I catch my breath.
Atomic shotgun wedding. Brilliant.
Mm. Yeah. Right there. Work those silver pecs.
The moonshine! No, wait, the fruit pies.
Is a potato a fruit?
Yes, a Marvel superhero just won a fight by throwing fruit pies at his opponent. Thank you, Slott and Allred.
Y’ALL SHALL NOT PASS!
So is Ma dead? Did Thor kill her?
I don’t need a ring if one of those cousins is available. I’m just saying.
Big, rich, and stupid. Are any of these guys on OkCupid?
And there ends the saga of the Ding-A-Ling Family. For now. (Probably forever.) (If you’re not reading Silver Surfer, by the way, you should be. It’s brilliant.)
Stars of mainstream continuity they may now be, but let us never forget this family’s humble beginnings. Take us out, Odin.
I made this.
