Years and years ago, I used to write plays and sketches, all comedic. I mostly wrote to give myself something to act in or direct, and abandoned writing almost entirely when I started acting professionally.
Now, with a return to writing (albeit a different form), I’m revisiting some of my old theater pieces to see if anything is worthwhile. Most of it isn’t, but this made me laugh. It’s an unfinished piece – barely started, in fact. It’s just a few lines long. I probably wrote it twenty years ago, give or take. I have no memory of it whatsoever.
Membership Drive
(A GAY MAN and a LESBIAN knock at a door. A MOTHER answers.)
MOTHER
Yes?
GAY MAN
Hi, we’re homosexuals. We’re here to recruit your children.
MOTHER
Oh, please, come in.
(They all enter.)
MOTHER
Sit down, sit down. Can I get you anything to drink?
LESBIAN
No, thank you. We’re fine.
MOTHER
I’m glad you came by. I’ve been hearing a lot about this homosexual lifestyle.
GAY MAN
We’ve been getting a lot of press lately.
LESBIAN
Still, our numbers are down slightly this quarter, so we’re having a door-to-door membership drive. We’d like to tell you about some of the benefits homosexuality could bring to your children.
MOTHER
I’m all ears.
GAY MAN
How many children do you have, ma’am?
MOTHER
Little Billy is 10, and Janey is six and a half. They’re at school right now.
That’s it. That’s the whole thing. It’s pretty slight, but I really like how enthusiastic the mother is. I’m not sure where I would have gone with this, as I think that’s pretty much the only joke. Since this will never be finished, and it’s worth exactly one laugh, I thought I might as well share.
