Writing tips

I’ve received so much good advice over the course of my writing career. Now that I’ve got an entire book out, I thought it was only right to give back to others who might be thinking about taking up writing themselves. Here’s some advice, from me to you. You’re welcome.

1. Don’t write what you know. Your life is boring and nobody wants to hear about it. If exciting things happened to you you wouldn’t be a writer.
2. If you get stuck halfway through your book, just write, “And then they found a time machine!” and repeat the first half.
3. Introduce a dog and then kill it off. People freak out when you do that.
4. Remember that life is rarely straightforward. People have rich inner lives and complex motivations. Simplify that shit or you’ll never finish.
5. Readers love sequels. If you’ve written a poorly-selling second book and it isn’t a sequel, re-introduce the main character from your first book. Just add a sentence at the top, something like, “Joe from that other book of mine you liked said,” and then put everything else in quotation marks.
6. Remember, everyone judges a book by its cover! So maybe change out of those gross sweatpants. Take a shower once in a while and do something with your hair. Jesus.
7. Keep up with the latest trends if you want a best-seller. For example, dinosaur erotica is very hot right now. All the biggies have been done -T Rex, velociraptors, and such – but what about anchiornis? Anchiornis was a small, feathered dinosaur with long legs which resembled a chicken and was probably a total slut.
8. Seek expert advice! If your characters are in the military, talk to some soldiers for guidance on equipment and terminology. Writing sci-fi? Get a scientist’s take on your main concept. Romance? Poll your billionaire friends about what they look for in a schlumpy middle-class secretary. Western? Find a cowboy. Fantasy? Talk to an elf. Fan-fiction? Ask the My Little Ponies what kind of sick stuff they’re into.
9. If you get a single bad review, give up. People are mean and it isn’t worth the tears, trust me. Have you tried singing? Maybe you could take up singing.
10. If your book has two brown covers, is warm, and tastes good when covered in butter or jam, you haven’t written a book, you’ve made toast. You can probably still self-publish it on Amazon, though.